


better last

by dramamine_qt



Category: Travelers (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Communication, Episode: s03e07 Trevor, M/M, Not Beta Read, Pre-Relationship, Season/Series 03 Spoilers, That's basically them being soft and actually talking out what had just happened to them, discussion of suicide, philip's pov, talking about feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:08:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27811258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dramamine_qt/pseuds/dramamine_qt
Summary: Trevor almost got overwritten by the Director and Philip is having a hard time understanding why Trevor would allow that.They talk about it.
Relationships: Trevor Holden | Traveler 0115/Philip Pearson | Traveler 3326
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	better last

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! 
> 
> This is a short fic following Philip's thoughts and feelings in response to what happened on s03e07 (if you haven't watched it yet, I suggest you do it before reading). 
> 
> It's a sorting it out story, a pre-relationship situation in which they finally start talking about what is really important.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Philip knew the right thing to do was to give Trevor and Grace some privacy. 

Grace went through great lengths to save Trevor’s life, despite her beliefs about how feelings entailed nothing more than a waste of time and energy.

She'd been so shaken she broke Trevor's aftermath barrier of anger and angst. Philip caught him holding her hand, comforting her even though he disagreed with her actions.

Philip should give them privacy.

But he was shaken too. And he couldn’t think of somewhere else to go.

They selfishly took Trevor's decision from him. He had told Philip particularly that he wasn't sure about accepting a cure, that he was at peace with the idea of dying. He said he had lived enough. 

Trevor was wrong. Philip couldn’t understand why he was giving up so quickly. There was plenty to live. There were plenty of things they could still do together.

Being important to someone else should be enough to want to keep fighting. 

Philip felt guilt, and sadness, and anger, and relief. An amalgam of emotion that he could barely contain within his chest. 

Grace was still inside, though. They should have some privacy.

He wanted to scream.

Didn't he see? Screw the Director. Screw its inability to perceive human emotions while combing through millions and millions of possibilities and going for the ones who hurt them most. 

Trevor said he was passing his body to another traveler, a health one. Didn't he realize how irreplaceable he was?

Grace left and Philip found himself lost, standing outside, letting the wall hold his weight.

"Are you okay?" Trevor asked from the entrance and Philip felt quite hysteric with the thought of Trevor doing it again, minding other's feelings instead of his own. Maybe that explained why Trevor's truly unfiltered explosion of feelings was so scary. It was too rare.

"No. Neither are you." 

Trevor swallowed audibly. 

"How could I be, huh?" Trevor answered, both of them looking ahead, avoiding each other's faces. "This…" he touched the device on his head with gentle fingers, "haven't fixed me. I could have been useful one more time. One last time. My existence could have made some difference. Now… I'm just an old broken man. How is that better?"

The anger still simmered underneath, Philip could see. Good. He hoped Trevor never lost the fire he had within.

Trevor turned to him and then neither of them could look away.

"I can't understand how it is better. The mission-" Trevor tried to continue, but Philip was fed up with it.

"Shut up!" Philip was on his face now. "Shut up about being useless! Shut the fuck up about accepting death! I can't stand it!"

Philip saw Trevor's jaw working and imagined being punched in the face. Trevor’s previous host had been a fighter, a guy fuelled by anger and impulses, the opposite of who 0115 was. But part of Philip’s job consisted of observing and memorizing and, by watching his roommate, he could see that those traits hadn’t just disappeared but were constantly battled on. The whole lot of meditation and work on his mind set weren’t for nothing.

Philip wished Trevor let go for once instead of trying so hard to understand and accommodate other people. Philip wished Trevor threw the first punch so he could have an excuse to do the same and expunge all this pent up energy he was feeling right now.

"Everything we went through and you still think we don't _need_ you? How can a person so old, that lived so many lives, not recognize his own value?" Philip couldn't convey in words how sad it made him that the most deserving person he had ever met was slipping through his fingers without even trying.

"We all knew it could happen when we volunteered. Rarely a team keeps up whole till the end." The answer was devoid of emotion and Philip wanted to shake him.

"Yeah, I know what I agreed to before getting here and, surprise, most of it sucked hard." He replied, snorting, remembering the shit ton of rules they all had broken since they first arrived. Philip sat on the ground then. "Wanna know something? I have changed a lot since coming here."

Trevor frowned and took it as an invitation to sit down too and listen.

"If asked right now," Philip started, "I would refuse the travelers’ program. Because… because this is my last life too. This is my last life and nothing we’ve done for the big plan worked. The future is still the same, worse even.” 

There was a deep frown between Trevor’s eyebrows. Philip knew his statement meant a worrying lack of hope in the big plan. Meant that he didn’t believe as much in what they were doing there. And that was true. What made him get out of the bed in the morning was the will to keep his team safe and to make the most with what they had here and now.

Following orders felt like part of the routine, and Philip wasn’t afraid anymore to go against them if they didn’t feel right.

“If I were asked right now... but it’s already done and we are here, isn't it? And the crazy thing is that here, right now, is _good_.”

Now Trevor understandably looked like a confused puppy, because, really, not even Philip was sure where he was going with that, he was just _talking_. Time proved to be a luxury he didn't have and it was a miracle Trevor still there, by his side, alive. No one should blame Philip for being afraid of not having the chance to talk to him again.

"I know I'm being a selfish bastard saying it, but I have learned to enjoy this era, with addiction or not, mission or not. And I blame you, really." Philip bit his lip. His expertise was with facts, on the data he analyzed. He didn’t know what to do with the feelings clogging his lungs and making it hard to breathe. 

Philip had been trained to retain information impassively. The problem was that they forgot to teach him how to deal with being human. He couldn’t see any practical way to detach himself from his surroundings, from all the people that were so much more than pawns on a board.

"I can't see how." Trevor replied, with a smirk playing on his lips. 

"You do. You made it on purpose, taking me out of my solitude, dragging me outside, showing me all the things we couldn't have back home. You wanted us, wanted _me,_ to make the best of the time we still have, right?" 

"What's wrong with that?"

"What’s not wrong-? The thing is, you touched everything and I can't help seeing you everywhere…! I'm not ready to let you go, Trevor. I'm not. I keep looking around and watching scenarios where you aren't here anymore and it hurts… a lot."

A silence grew between them. Philip had committed himself to keep the alternate timelines for himself, not just for the rule, but because it would hurt everyone else and that was a burden he had to carry alone.

"I didn't- I haven't thought of the visions." Trevor looked at Philip with a pained look, almost as if he was sorry for not taking it into consideration.

Suddenly, it downed at Philip that Trevor didn’t owe him anything. He felt awful for taking his hurt and anger over Trevor, who had all the rights to do with himself whatever he pleased without having to worry about other people’s feelings (he already did that more than he should).

"It hurts a lot because I love you, Trevor. And I think that you have a lot ahead of yourself to still enjoy, so much food you haven't eaten yet, so many films to watch." He smiled at Trevor's confused face. "You're not just a tool for a supposedly greater good, you're worth everything and more, I… we couldn't sit and see you go like that. I'm sorry. I’m sorry we didn’t listen."

With these words Philip felt empty. He hoped to feel some sort of relief by putting it all out, but all he had was a growing anxiety, waiting for Trevor to say something, anything.

"I see…" Trevor said, thoughtful. "I'm sorry too."

"No, it's not-"

"Really, Phil. I never intended to upset you. Any of you. Not like that." He shrugged. "I tried to spare you from the suffering of having to watch me succumb, day after day, disappearing into nothingness while still being here. The waiting is unbearable."

Trevor swallowed down. "You don't know if they're coming back this time. You just don't know."

"But we could still try." Philip insisted. "It wasn't over yet. Why, Trev? You, from all people, should know that there isn't such a thing as enough living."

Then the unexpected happened. Philip had seen all kinds of emotions on Trevor's face, but a tearful one was new. He was crying and Philip didn't know what to do.

"I'm sorry… sorry, please, don't…" fuck his entire life. "I didn't want to-"

Trevor let out a watery laugh.

"It's okay, Phil. I think that crying at this point isn't a bad thing."

"Oh, right… I just… don't want to make you sad."

"Ah, I am sad, too, but it isn't your fault." Trevor looked beyond tired, holding his head in his hands. "The device, I- well, it’s silly now in hindsight, because I projected it to save someone I loved a lot. I couldn't just accept that she was leaving me like that. Just like you did. I went through the same thing."

He sniffed, eyes distant as if watching a past long gone.

"I ran against time, against all the odds, trying to make it work and save her. I put so much expectation into it… my last chance. And it wasn't enough."

They were outside, sitting on a dirty ground in a bad neighborhood. The polluted air was the best air they had put into their lungs, there was a breeze. _Breeze_! A slightly cold one. Philip closed his eyes and felt it.

"It was easy to cling to protocol one when I woke up and realized that I was alive while she wasn't. I failed her, it was wrong that it worked for me. It would be only fair if I-"

"Don't say that." Philip cut him, also tired to his bones. He didn't understand why everything had to be so complex and complicated all the time. "Now and then… so different situations. Just live, Trev."

Philip turned and found Trevor staring at him, searching for something on his face and he let it. He let it and, whatever Trevor found there, it made him smile a little.

"Just live. That's a thing I'd say, not you."

"You get too old to remember it sometimes."

They smiled at each other. _There it is_ , Philip thought, _how could I go on without moments like this?_

"Thank you, Phil. Really."

"What for? Remembering is literally the only thing I'm good for."

"I hope it's just a joke and that you don't actually believe that." Trevor said, serious, then continued, "and, yeah, thanks for everything. We are a team, I care a lot about you all, but you are my friend. You are… close."

"So, Philip and Trevor could be friends, after all." He retorted, trying to light things up, trying to smile and keep the camaraderie going on, because he really didn't want to hear about the bond they created during their time living together as a sort of _special friendship_. Fuck it. Fuck that Trevor was still mourning a past partner. Fuck that the man had been waltzing around Grace. Fuck everything. Philip wanted to wallow in his own feelings alone if it wasn't asking too much. "That's ok, man. I'm just glad you're here."

"Yeah…" Trevor breathed out.

While Philip had been kind of curled up with his arms resting on the top of his knees, almost hugging them, Trevor was in his traditional lotus position. Usually, it wouldn't matter to Philip at all, but then Trevor opened his hand over his knee and looked at Philip invitingly, offering it to be taken. 

Philip looked at it suspiciously and swallowed dry. He felt like being tempted with a drug he knew he wouldn't be able to stop taking.

"You sure have a very particular way of comforting people." He said, trying to not make things awkward. He was stalling, but that was not a no and Trevor also knew that, because the hand didn't move and he had an amused smile on his face.

"Oh, this isn't me attempting to comfort you. I want to hold your hand, if that's ok with you." Trevor smirked. "It will be good, I promise."

Philip unfolded himself and took it, their fingers intertwining instantly. His hand was warm and rough. Philip's insides felt all mushy all of a sudden and he was sure his face had gained a great tone of pink.

Trevor adjusted, so they were even more close, shoulders glued and legs touching at various points.

"What are you doing?" Philip asked dumbly, his heart thumping loud inside his chest.

"Releasing serotonin by physical contact." Trevor answered and relaxed, letting his head drop on Philip's shoulder, then he whispered, "I never really wanted to die, Phil. And I'm glad you didn't let me, or else I wouldn't be here with you right now."

"That’s… really good to know."

"When you were talking about the other timelines, you said- you said you loved me.” Trevor started casually, like he wasn’t saying something that made Philip tense all over. “What does that mean?”

Holy fuck, what the hell? Philip closed his eyes forcefully, hoping that everything going on right in that moment was just a glimpse of a timeline that wasn’t really happening. He couldn’t even try to fool himself with Trevor’s weight and warmth beside him.

He cleared his throat.

“What do you mean by what it means?” Philip felt Trevor snorting.

“I guess I have to ask, because things can get a whole lot complicated if they aren’t clear, you know?” He answered, his thumb starting to make slow movements on Philip’s skin. “I don’t want to assume and make a fool of myself.”

Philip exhaled deeply. He wouldn’t tell Trevor, not right now, but in some timelines they were more than just holding hands. In some, Philip was able to say he was in love with no fear of rejection, because he knew Trevor felt the same.

“That means I care a lot about you.” He ended up saying and just then he noticed that Trevor had been kind of tense too, for when he relaxed, Philip felt like he melted on his side.

“I care a lot about you too.”

And they stayed there for a while.

That was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> English isn't my first language, so I'm sorry if there were glaring spelling mistakes. Let me know of them and I'll fix it!
> 
> Also let me know your thought in general, I love them and I'm always open to talk about them!
> 
> Kudos!


End file.
